A mum who says she regrets having more children in her 30s has urged others to “reconsider” - saying she "misses her old life". Mother-of-three , 34, fell pregnant with twins in 2021 soon after being hospitalised with Covid.
She says she was hospitalised 28 times during her pregnancy and suffered severe morning sickness which left her vomiting 20 to 30 times per day. Samantha gave birth nine weeks early on February 28, 2022, to Elijah, 2lbs 7oz and Zendaya, 3lb 1oz at Stepping Hill Hospital, Stockport.
The premature twins were in hospital for three months before they were able to head home to Leeds with Samantha, her partner, Ryan, 32, a specialist painter, and her son from a previous relationship, Kaleb, 12. Samantha says she then became socially anxious and afraid to go out - leaving her mourning the loss of her social life and friends.
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She says she misses her pre-pregnancy figure and going on holidays with her eldest son, 12, having "given up much of her life" to care for her young twins. Samantha, a full-time mum, said: “I grieve [for] my old life.
"I miss my social life and being able to work, I miss my size 10 figure, I miss my independence and freedom - I don’t have those things anymore. I was so consumed with regret and mum guilt I thought having twins had ruined my life. I have so much love for them but regret and pain at same time.
“If I had known then what I know now I would have reconsidered and been more careful - I love them but I miss my old life so much. I’m excessively fatigued and run down – I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome.
“It’s affected my identity and who I am. I need to find my place in the world again as a disabled mum with two twin babies and an older child.
“Pregnancy almost killed me. The twins were so premature because my body physically couldn’t carry them anymore, there were so many complications.
“I’ve missed out on so much with my eldest son because I was looking after these babies on my own while my partner was working all the time. I always had big dreams and was a high achiever, but I’ve had to put me and my goals to the back to be a full-time mum.
“If you value your freedom, don’t do it. You'll regret it later.”
Samantha says before falling pregnant for the second time, she’d graduated from her second degree in teaching and learning at the University of Leeds and ran her own business doing careers coaching. However, in July 2021 she became severely ill with Covid and was hospitalised for three weeks.
And just a month after being discharged from hospital, she fell pregnant. While considering whether to go through with the pregnancy, Samantha went for a scan where she was told she was expecting twins.
As a twin herself, and with twins running in her family, she decided to continue with the pregnancy. However, she was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum – a severe form of morning sickness which leaves sufferers experiencing prolonged nausea and vomiting.
Samantha was hospitalised due to the condition and was also diagnosed with pneumonia and sepsis – meaning she was admitted to hospital 28 times in just 31 weeks. After undergoing an emergency caesarean at 31 weeks, Samantha’s twins were kept in hospital for three months, as her son suffered with periventricular leukomalacia - a form of brain injury most common in premature babies.
And when her babies returned home, the mum found herself struggling to balance her twin’s complex needs, alongside caring for her eldest child and herself. Now she says she rarely leaves the house due to severe anxiety and has missed friend’s birthdays, holidays, baby showers and even quality time with her eldest child.
While she loves her children, she says she wishes she’d considered her circumstances at the time she fell pregnant and been more careful. “I want to advise people in their mid-30s, or who have been ill or it’s their second pregnancy, to reconsider - as for me the first pregnancy was easier than the second,” Samantha said.
“You have to think can you go through with a pregnancy if something does go wrong. List what you enjoy now and the things you would have to give up being a mum and what support you have if things do go wrong.
“I wish I’d waited until I was healthier or in better career position - it’s a blessing having twins but it’s also double stress, double finances, double exhaustion. I don’t often leave the house now due to severe anxiety about what people think of the new me.
"It's a struggle to push the double pram and any overexertion sets me back days. [The twins] are needy, clingy, they climb on everything, they still don’t sleep through the night.
"I’ve missed out on so much and feel like they miss out on so much too – I'm classed as disabled, and it’s impacted my mental health massively.
“Every day for me is like survival, I have to applaud myself for just cooking or doing some housework. I want to find myself again, but I have to start from scratch as don’t know who I am anymore."
